WHAT IF: Beakman was an embittered, abusive individual who barely managed to uphold the façade of emotional and mental stability only while the cameras were running. Behind the scenes he relentlessly volleys verbal and emotional abuse at Lester the rat, and carries on a sexual relationship with an underaged girl he met at a green peace rally before dosing her with acid. (read: Josie.)
"THE BALLAD OF BEAKMAN"
INT. BEAKMAN'S DEMOLISHED LAB -- DAWN
LESTER, walking into work on one of he few occasions he doesn't have to pull an all-nighter, espies BEAKMAN'S giant wig lying on the floor. Recognizing this for the ominous telltale sign it is, he advances pensively.
Beakman is on the couch, clutching a paper in one hand, an almost-empty bottle of Wild Turkey in the other.
LESTER
What's the matter, Beakman?
BEAKMAN
(drunkenly slurring)
It's over.
LESTER
Whaddya mean, what's over?
What's the matter, Beakman?
BEAKMAN
(drunkenly slurring)
It's over.
LESTER
Whaddya mean, what's over?
As Beakman laments, Lester hurriedly carries the sad wig over and attempts to place it back on Beakman's head:
BEAKMAN
IT'S OVER! ...I just
got the letter from the
studio heads today.
IT'S OVER! ...I just
got the letter from the
studio heads today.
He offers the crumpled page to Lester:
BEAKMAN (CONT'D)
WE'RE SHITCANNED!
WE'RE SHITCANNED!
LESTER
Y'mean we been cancelled?
BEAKMAN
(rising from couch, unbalanced)
They're giving our timeslot to Bill Nye
the motherfuckin' Science Guy!
Y'mean we been cancelled?
BEAKMAN
(rising from couch, unbalanced)
They're giving our timeslot to Bill Nye
the motherfuckin' Science Guy!
He gestures wildly about the room, stumbling in his drunkenness:
BEAKMAN
That smug son of a bitch saunters
onto here, like he owns the
place, all actin' like he's
king of the science castle
with his... LIQUID NITROGEN.
That smug son of a bitch saunters
onto here, like he owns the
place, all actin' like he's
king of the science castle
with his... LIQUID NITROGEN.
He stumbles a bit, and:
BEAKMAN
FOR FOUR YEARS I been on
the TV! I been on four years
makin' rockets outta empty
soda bottles an' cardboard,
all usin' cardboard tubes to
teach Bernoulli's principle an
shit!
FOR FOUR YEARS I been on
the TV! I been on four years
makin' rockets outta empty
soda bottles an' cardboard,
all usin' cardboard tubes to
teach Bernoulli's principle an
shit!
He hurls his booze bottle in rage.
LESTER
Aw, Beakman! It ain't all that
bad, is it? I mean, we had a
pretty good run, didn't we? We
wanted to teach kids science,
and that's what we did every
week for like, 90 episodes!
90 episodes, that's nearly a
hundred!
BEAKMAN
Nearly a hundred?!
Aw, Beakman! It ain't all that
bad, is it? I mean, we had a
pretty good run, didn't we? We
wanted to teach kids science,
and that's what we did every
week for like, 90 episodes!
90 episodes, that's nearly a
hundred!
BEAKMAN
Nearly a hundred?!
In a fit of anger, Beakman advances on Lester, nearly tripping over a table as he does:
BEAKMAN (CONT'D)
I'LL 'NEARLY 100' YOU YOU SON OF
A BITCH!!
I'LL 'NEARLY 100' YOU YOU SON OF
A BITCH!!
He takes an uncoordinated swing at Lester but misses by a wide margin, losing his balance and falling to the ground, where he sobs messily into the floor.
LESTER
Aw, beakman! Pull yourself
together! How are we gonna
break the news to Phoebe?
BEAKMAN
Phoebe ain't here.
Aw, beakman! Pull yourself
together! How are we gonna
break the news to Phoebe?
BEAKMAN
Phoebe ain't here.
Suddenly something dawns on Lester, prompting him to look around in a panic.
LESTER
Oh my gawd... Phoebe, what
happened to her?!
BEAKMAN
She ain't come in yet!
LESTER
(relieved)
Oh thank God! For a minute
there I... I thought we
had another Josie situation
on our hands.
BEAKMAN
(rage)
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
LESTER
(frightened)
Ah, jeez no I didn't mean
to bring it up Beakman!
BEAKMAN
I told you NEVER TO SAY HER
NAME AROUND ME!
LESTER
I know Beakman, I forgot!
BEAKMAN
(sobbing)
I toldja never to mention the
name... Josie...
Oh my gawd... Phoebe, what
happened to her?!
BEAKMAN
She ain't come in yet!
LESTER
(relieved)
Oh thank God! For a minute
there I... I thought we
had another Josie situation
on our hands.
BEAKMAN
(rage)
WHAT DID YOU SAY?!
LESTER
(frightened)
Ah, jeez no I didn't mean
to bring it up Beakman!
BEAKMAN
I told you NEVER TO SAY HER
NAME AROUND ME!
LESTER
I know Beakman, I forgot!
BEAKMAN
(sobbing)
I toldja never to mention the
name... Josie...
As Beakman's sobbing becomes progressively more undignified, Lester shakes his head solemnly. A phone RINGS, and Lester picks up.
LESTER
Hi? Oh, hello Phoebe. Listen-
what? Oh no Beakman wasn't
makin' me pull another all-
nighter. What? Yeah, he's
here.
Hi? Oh, hello Phoebe. Listen-
what? Oh no Beakman wasn't
makin' me pull another all-
nighter. What? Yeah, he's
here.
Lester looks over at Beakman who is sobbing drunkenly over a cardboard tube.
BEAKMAN
Air pressure! It's always
AIR PRESSURE!
Air pressure! It's always
AIR PRESSURE!
LESTER
(to phone)
Eh... he ain't feelin so
good just now. You better
come in. We have to talk
about something! Okay.
See ya.
(to phone)
Eh... he ain't feelin so
good just now. You better
come in. We have to talk
about something! Okay.
See ya.
He hangs up.
LESTER
(to Beakman)
That was Phoebe, Beakman.
She'll be here soon, don't
worry I know she'll take
care of ya.
(to Beakman)
That was Phoebe, Beakman.
She'll be here soon, don't
worry I know she'll take
care of ya.
Beakman does not react favorably to this news. Suddenly, the time machine activates and out steps ALAN TURING.
TURING
Hello? Where am I?
LESTER
Oh, hey Beakman we have a
visitor from the time machine!
BEAKMAN
Whoop-de-fuckin doo.
TURING
What has him so out of sorts?
LESTER
I'm afraid you got here at a
bad time, mister. We just got
news that Beakman's World
has been cancelled to make
room for Bill Bye.
BEAKMAN
THAT HOT SHOT USURPING PIECE
OF-...
TURING
Woah, calm down Mr. Beakman!
Hello? Where am I?
LESTER
Oh, hey Beakman we have a
visitor from the time machine!
BEAKMAN
Whoop-de-fuckin doo.
TURING
What has him so out of sorts?
LESTER
I'm afraid you got here at a
bad time, mister. We just got
news that Beakman's World
has been cancelled to make
room for Bill Bye.
BEAKMAN
THAT HOT SHOT USURPING PIECE
OF-...
TURING
Woah, calm down Mr. Beakman!
(TO LESTER)
Might you leave us alone for
a moment?
Might you leave us alone for
a moment?
LESTER
Well, okay. I'll go tell
Phoebe when she gets here.
Well, okay. I'll go tell
Phoebe when she gets here.
Lester exits.
TURING
Now now, Beakman! It can't
be all that bad! I'm sorry
to learn of your cancellation.
I've always been a fan of
your work.
Now now, Beakman! It can't
be all that bad! I'm sorry
to learn of your cancellation.
I've always been a fan of
your work.
BEAKMAN simply pouts.
TURING (CONT'D)
But why are you taking this
so hard? Surely you can't
be having regrets after
so many successful years
on television?
BEAKMAN
Well, Mr. Turing. The fact is
I haven't been honest with myself.
I've been living a lie.
TURING
Nonsense! You are a well
respected educator!
BEAKMAN
NOT THAT. I mean, I brought on
those female sidekicks to get
the show green-lit, and along
the way I convinced myself I
fit the role of a television
educator, lusting for jailbait.
But why are you taking this
so hard? Surely you can't
be having regrets after
so many successful years
on television?
BEAKMAN
Well, Mr. Turing. The fact is
I haven't been honest with myself.
I've been living a lie.
TURING
Nonsense! You are a well
respected educator!
BEAKMAN
NOT THAT. I mean, I brought on
those female sidekicks to get
the show green-lit, and along
the way I convinced myself I
fit the role of a television
educator, lusting for jailbait.
TURING nods solemnly.
BEAKMAN (CONT'D)
I demonstrated air pressure,
conservation of energy, the
laws of thermodynamics, all
without LIQUID FUCKING NITROGEN.
I demonstrated air pressure,
conservation of energy, the
laws of thermodynamics, all
without LIQUID FUCKING NITROGEN.
Turing calms him.
BEAKMAN (CONT'D)
...But for all the science I ever
done, there's still one experiment
I never had the courage to try.
TURING
Good, Beakman! It's time to come
out! Be proud of who you are!
...But for all the science I ever
done, there's still one experiment
I never had the courage to try.
TURING
Good, Beakman! It's time to come
out! Be proud of who you are!
Beakman sobs drunkenly as Turing placates him.
BEAKMAN
Thanks, Alan. It's good to
finally meet someone who
understands... when I
think of all the time
I've wasted trying to be
something I'm not.
TURING
Right! There's a big world
out there! This may be the
end of your show, but it
is the beginning of something
much bigger!
Thanks, Alan. It's good to
finally meet someone who
understands... when I
think of all the time
I've wasted trying to be
something I'm not.
TURING
Right! There's a big world
out there! This may be the
end of your show, but it
is the beginning of something
much bigger!
Beakman rises to his feet, teetering somewhat.
BEAKMAN
Yeah! YEAH! Though... I still
feel bad about dosing and
kidnapping that poor girl from
that peace rally... then forcing
her to follow me and the rat guy
all around the world for 3 years.
Yeah! YEAH! Though... I still
feel bad about dosing and
kidnapping that poor girl from
that peace rally... then forcing
her to follow me and the rat guy
all around the world for 3 years.
Turing looks somewhat disturbed at hearing this.
BEAKMAN
But now's not the time for
regrets! I'm gonna get out of
this place and really LIVE
for the first time in my life!
Poor Lester, though... I think
he's still not right after what
happened to Liza.
But now's not the time for
regrets! I'm gonna get out of
this place and really LIVE
for the first time in my life!
Poor Lester, though... I think
he's still not right after what
happened to Liza.
FLASHBACK:
INT. Lab-- DAY
Beakman looks on with satisfaction as LIZA exhales a flurry of bubbles from beneath the surface of a purple-colored liquid in a large glass tank.
INT. Lab-- DAY
Beakman looks on with satisfaction as LIZA exhales a flurry of bubbles from beneath the surface of a purple-colored liquid in a large glass tank.
BEAKMAN
Ah, ya see Lester! The
Perfluorochemical molecules in
the fluid allow her to breathe
comfortably, even under water!
LESTER
Wow, Beakman! That's
really something!
BEAKMAN
Yeah, it is! It'll make a hell
of a season opener in a few
months! Now come on, pull her
up, we're going to Applebee's!
Ah, ya see Lester! The
Perfluorochemical molecules in
the fluid allow her to breathe
comfortably, even under water!
LESTER
Wow, Beakman! That's
really something!
BEAKMAN
Yeah, it is! It'll make a hell
of a season opener in a few
months! Now come on, pull her
up, we're going to Applebee's!
Lester clumsily ascends a ladder and begins pulling a pulley system as Beakman turns to go, but:
LESTER (O.S.)
Eh, Beakman! Beakman wait
a sec!
BEAKMAN
What is it, Lester?
Eh, Beakman! Beakman wait
a sec!
BEAKMAN
What is it, Lester?
Lester stands at the top of a ladder, at the edge of the tank, Liza lying motionless in an apparatus hooked up to a pulley system, which is left dangling just above the surface of the water.
LESTER
W-w-we got a problem here!
She ain't breathin'!
W-w-we got a problem here!
She ain't breathin'!
He jostles her, but she shows no response.
BEAKMAN
Ah, Zaloom!
Ah, Zaloom!
END.
